Contest #487 (8/31/15)

"Pi-i-i-i-isssco! Piiiisssssccco!!"

"Things are not always as they seem. The first appearance deceives many."

"Fat-infused water! Fat-infused water!"

"The app went live today!"

"Congratulations! You've just read the 1,000,000 caption! Add another zero to the front of your next paycheck."

"I need someone who can ... CODE!"

"No Money.... I'll pay Monkey"

"It's Caitlyn... C-A-I-T-L-Y-N."

"And after the man's whimpers had quieted, the bartender cracked a smile and said 'Please leave, freak.'"

"Did he just crawl in from the Sahara? How incongruous."

"Cops kill black people because they are racist and we give them the power to. But who the fuck is this guy crawling around?"

"Help, I've fallen and I can't access my Ashley Madison account!"

"I've been submitting captions to New Yorker cartoons for years and nothing has ever been accepted. I am now substituting the long dry spell by becoming an alcoholic."

"Would you consider hiring me as a display window mannequin conveying the ups and downs of proper hydration?"

"Marco's reading skills were never that good which explained why once again he ended up on the floor of a bar rather than with a new crewcut."

"That's the furthest I've seen Ron out of the fetal position ever since The New Yorker published that article 40 years ago about the big earthquake that's supposed to hit in this area."

"Why do I reminisce?"

"Do you accept Obama care HERE?"

"As Cat Stevens sings: 'Ooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world. It's hard to get by just upon a smile.'"

"Grr, I'm a lion!"

"Uptown... funk you up... Uptown... funk... you... up!"

"I was one of the happest ' man ' in the (world ) now) . ' I need " laughter.& hope.' (not ) Lectures???"

"May I please have something to drink, or is that asking too much in view of how incredibly busy you are? Do you want me to dance for my water? I would, you know, but I'm paralyzed from dehydration. So, what do you say?"

"Er...I'm loo...burp...king for my pub cra...burp...awl buddies?"

"Thirsty me, please! Someone time machine when. Reagan."

"My name is Gary, and I'll br rapping my presentation."

"I'm sorry I couldn't find the tree that killed my father."

"I wish these millennials would stop trying to dress like Lady Gaga while twerking like Miley Cyrus."

"I implore you to serve me! Go home, John. We'll role-play when my shift ends."

"Uhhhhh..."

"Embrace the suck."