Contest #287 (5/16/11)

"Stupid operator, I asked for massagist referral and I got misogynist removal."

"It's either God or the navy seals." 

"One-two-three-four, I declare a passive-aggressive war."

"'Harold, don’t you try to threaten me with the giant shiatsu massager.' 'Nancy, if you say no, I will push squeeze button.'"

"Ben and Ethel try the latest in museum guided tours"

"This particular bill collector has a new method of operation. OUCH!"

"How did 'sandwich' turn into 'handwich'?"

"It was this or a minivan."

"I'm Michel Foucault, but right now I feel more like Michelle FUCKault."

"Honey, don't worry. I know this looks strange... IT just grabbed me...To help me Out...Somewhere..."

"The Mother Ship calls, Edna. You know I've always been into fisting."

"I asked it to create a giant hand to carry me around all day. Now that's a smart phone!"

"I feel like I am being squeezed by a big hand."

"Twenty-three years as Letterman's bandleader and this is the first time I get a tremendous hand...."

"For the last time Tilda, God and I are going to the track. We're not going to be 'cruising' heaven for some 'fine angel pussy,' that only happened once and it was a mistake. Oh, and don't try to call, the racetrack has lousy reception."

"How Do I Get Rid Of This? I-Pad, I-Pod, X-Box??? I-Don't Know."

 "That iPhone app ... It's a cookbook! It's a cookbook!"

"Don't hold me large hand, Bucky Pizzarelli. I love you."

"Grab the life by the balds"

"I need to select something other than the 'Ching-Chong Ling-Long King-Kong' ring tone."

"Man: Okay don't panic honey, the guy said he's just warming his hands. Woman: Right....Well cold hands are no excuse for filthy fingernails. Man: ***EEEEEEERRRRRRRRHHHHHHHH****"

"HONEY, I'M HOME!"

"Line 1: Hello..., sure...Ahh! Line 2: What do you mean?"

"Suck it."

"This cartoon could have been funny if i was holding an iPad instead of this silly phone"

"Where's my aardvark?"

"He keeps saying, 'Beam Me Up, Scotty' but FIRST, I'm Sidney. And SECOND, I DON'T HAVE 4G!!" or, "Call Aunt Rae and tell her there is a God!"

 "Honey, this is how they use cell phones in Canada."

"No Dr. Vish I am not phoning you because Martha and I are ingrates for your saving us money. We appreciate your growth hormone for our Howard from the pituitary glands of apes from Skull Island. There does seem to be one minor problem however…"

"He wants to know if we have time for a five minute survey on packaged meats."

"Bu-u-u-rp."