Contest #490 (9/21/15)

"I'm sure everything is fine young man . . . at least that's what they told me when I came in for a 'routine check-up' last time. 'It couldn't possible be anything fatal,' they said. Boy were they wrong . . . oh well, I digress. What are you in for?"

 

"That clicking sound you hear is simply my molars grinding in indignation."

 

"Have you eaten gluten, my son? Single-tasked? Failed to lean in?"

 

"I didn't say three Hail Mary's, I said three Haley's M-O's."

 

"Johnny Cash was here once."

 

"Do to the consolidations, I would not order the liver in the cafeteria"

 

"We're calling it frock-in-a-box."

 

"Dude - I am your father"

 

"Welcome my son. You are the first through my new super efficient Sally-Vation Port (TM)(pat. pend.)(God willing)."

 

"damn i love cross-border health care [skull emoji]"

 

"That will be two hail berries for our falters to the environment, amen."

 

"This contest is rigged... For last weeks, apparently folks at The New Yorker, of all publications, don't get a sly joke about Yuppies renaming neighborhoods to make their property values rise. Really?"

 

"So, basically there's no afterlife. Max the fuck out."

 

"Honestly, I think this so-called 'cartoon' and y'all should be ashamed of yourselves."

 

"Em...BEEP...BEEP.....BSHHH."

 

"Yes, Father, that is a gerbil."

 

"Thanks for meeting me here. I need you to help me get this message out there: The Pope is not as good a dude as the world thinks. I mean, for starters, he's a virgin. Like, think about that for just a second: he has literally never had sex."

 

"RrumBLoeCanbyrrreRrrrrnbvveSvrelmrrummBLoeCambyrrrrauhhRrumblepheeee"

 

"I know you thought this was the toilet. And in a way, it is."

 

"Testing Kim Davis the clerk"

 

"'Oh, so that's how this works, father.' 'How what works?' 'Science never replaced religion.' 'I'm a Scientologist.' 'You lost me...'"

 

"lol no I'm not Saeed Jones. he doesn't even live in LA. c'mon bro"

 

"My wife still doesn't know I agreed to rodeo with Bill."

 

"Polly want a cracker?"

 

"Science, my son, is full of boners."

 

"Forgive me Mr. Radiologist for I have sinned . It has been 30 days since my last MRI have smoked 6 packs of cigarettes ,Ate 7 po' boys (with double meat) 4 supreme pizza's, and drank 3 quarts of Vodka. I stopped jogging." 

 

"Actually, no, you don't need to know what 'fuckboy' means to use it in conversation. That's actually where Slate gets it wrong."

 

"Thud. Thud. Thud."

 

"That's the biggest banana peel I've ever seen."

 

"bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"

 

"While Bob lays there he feels very light headed and nauseous when suddenlt he sees his good old priest, Fr. Billings. Holy cow, that soccerball must have really hit Bob hard at practice!"

 

"Well, remember; Their whole purpose is to pick the WORST caption."

 

"bap bap bap bap bap bap gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch ernch"

 

"Jonathan Franzen would find the finalists of last week’s cartoon HILARIOUS"

 

"Tink. Tink. Tink. BZZZZZZZ."

 

"Rrrrrr ..... eeeeeeee ..... rrrrrrr ...... eeeee .... rrrrrrr ..."

 

"Hello Priest how are you doing today. Fine the priest said. I doing very well. I see you have a problem today. Yes said the Patient. I am very sick said the Patient. Here let me check on your Paper. Ah I see. The doctor made a mistake you are fine"

 

"forgive me father for i have dik cancer lol"

   

 "WOMP WOMP WOMP WOMP, my son."

 

"(I know this is funny enough without a caption, but the ex-Mrs. Noth needs her check.)"