Contest #317 (1/9/12)

"Correction when firing, toes up for GPS laser."

“As an ‘Expert Witness’ I shall apply for a waiver concerning ‘Dead Man’s Statute.’”

“Helmets? Here??”

“I THINK YOU ARE STAYING ON YOUR DIET TOO LONG.”

“So, Chalk, tell me what feelings come to mind when you hear the word ‘Expo.’”

“I ordered a phone BOOTH, not a phone bed!”

“Please be quiet for a second, I'm trying to finish this shopping list.”

“WHEN DID YOU START GETTING THIS FEELING OF NONDESCRIPT MR. AHHHHHH???”

"...And you can forget about an iPod until you get those grades up. Love, Santa."

“So how much fun do you really think he had hanging around with an orange horse and being made fun of by Eddie Murphy?”

“Let's review: you are infantile and smelly, your wife has no respect for you, and your children are tactless and blighted. In short, you are a turd.”

Contest #316 (1/2/12)

"They were big and golden and glowed in the dark and we rode mighty stallions until He joined the Monnonites."

"Plan was for a mass transit system, but after the archangels blew everyone's money gambling on the market God had to redirect the funds to bail them out. My bike's chain slips all the time, but that damn Sariel's Bentley has got to be maintained."

"Bread and wine! Bread and wind! I'm so sick of bread and wine!"

"I was in the Crusades, what did you do?"

"Don't tell anyone, but I stole this bike from Jeb."

"'hey joe' 'yeah paul' (paul) 'why are we riding bikes heaven' (joe) 'because of all the tolls'"

"We had to give up flying because, up here, gassing the geese wouldn't do."

"So much for sharrows."

"BIKE ARE THE NEW BLACK."

"We should have gone with Butterfield and Robinson."

"...Still wearing those eye-glasses, up here, Frank? Just to reassure, per our 'Heavenly Memos', you WILL NOT fall through the clouds, and DIE!...MOST ESPECIALLY, during play time!"

Contest #315 (12/19/11)

"Who having the last laugh? Him or the King?"

"Amounts to so much more than hubris, Helen."

"I'm thinking dry clean only."

"Wow! There's Secaucus."

"Oh How The Literal Tables Can Turn."

"Everything is commercialized, but nothing really changes. Historically, citizens were devoured by mindless, ravaging beasts. Now corporations rule. But then I repeat myself."

"Make love to me."

"Plato's reaction after learning about the plight of Greece."

"Looks like Vietnam all over again."

"OH MY GOD! Honey I hope those tornadoes aren't headed this way."

"Imagine that giants Obama, and that person he's eating is the money we still don't have."

"Another sexless marriage gone awry."

"But it's a rescue hippo, honey!"

"Apparently Wonder Woman doesn't allow beer in the Hall of Justice."

"I could have fucked Joan Crawford... really, but I guess it's too late now."